Mom

Twenty four years ago this morning...I sat with my mom, uttered the only words I could come up with, "I love you", and watched as the most wonderful woman I had ever known took her last breath on earth. Within a second, she had left me and joined Jesus. It was in the seconds that followed her death that my connection to her was felt the most. As she lay there, my deepest desire was to breathe life back into her, that "forever" was indeed an eternity. When the car came to take her away, I simply was still concerned about her feelings, well-being, and protectiveness that though gone, she would be treated as such. One of the attendants was an old school acquaintance and seeing my grief, made every attempt to treat her as though she were still with us, carefully tucking the blankets around her and not covering her face. My promise was to make sure Mom's hair looked like she wore it and not like a beauty parlor would fix it. I full filled that promise and she was beautiful. We all said our goodbyes.

Now, years later, I can see her in so much of what I do and think. I see her everyday with my daughter and I. We carried on that special relationship and speak of her often. Mom always called Linz her smiley girl...and indeed Lindsay's smile has been a blessing to many. We just talked about the little dolls that Mom kept in a special place in the bedroom so that when Lindsay came over, she would have them to play with. Lindsay's friend, Lisa, made some little dolls and we could so see little girls reinacting Lindsay's experience with hers. I look back at the distinct things my Mom influenced in my children. Ej got his love of drums because my Mom took him to Notre Dame and let him watch the drum line practices. She loved the drums and was always pointing them out to EJ, "Justin" as she called him. Lindsay, it was Mom's compassion for family and our special bond as mom and daughter and the only one to carry on her name. When I look at Jon, I see my mom. He has her special color of blue eyes, blond hair, and definite characteristics from my Mom's side of the family.

I miss her. I remember after she passed that the one thing I missed more than ever was her hugs. One night in my dreams, I was walking by a ball field and up in the empty bleachers at the top on the side was a figure of a woman. I remember being curious and climbing the multitude of bleacher seats to get a closer look. I found the figure to be my mom...silent and never saying a word but reaching out to me and hugging me tightly...and then I woke up. I know she is always with me. My older son refers to her as his angel named Dorothy (Dorothy Virginia) and attributes his safety and guidance to her.

I hope and pray that I can instill in Dawson my love for him as she did with me and my kids. I have witnessed the recent relational separation due to the divorce and I miss my kids being close though miles apart. I am fortunate to see Jon with work and of course, Lindsay and I are as close as we ever were if not closer. I don't get to see Ej and the absence of him is felt daily.

My love for my mom will be carried on by the love I have for my children. No one can take that away from me whether reciprocated or not. I own and have that love. What I feel towards others going forward is the most important kind of love.

I love you Mom and miss you. Happy Anniversary as well. I remember the December before that you wanted to live to celebrate your 44Th wedding anniversary. You left us that morning. Well done, Mom!

A Belated Birthday Thought

My oldest celebrated his birthday the day after mine in March. Our family has gone through major changes and at the root, a parental divorce. You would think it would be easier for older kids to accept and figure out divorce....but in reality, it is more difficult because they analyze everything and tend to "choose" sides of support.

It was a long difficult divorce and as things often do happen, there was a lot of misunderstood information. I want to say that the divorce is simply my divorce and my ex husband's divorce and had nothing to do with the kids in any way shape or form.

This all left a cooling in the family. Due to the stress and the anguish of the entire situation, I didn't publicly express my love for my older son who just turned 32. He lives in California and works by day at Breville and is part of the Underground Orchestra by night and weekend. His band is quite successful and is doing well.

I simply wish to state that I love him, think of him often, and pray that healing happens in his heart. Boundaries are there sometimes for a good reason. Just as I wouldnt interfere with his relationships or decisions, though I might not agree with them, I want him to know just how much I support his life quest and direction he has himself chosen to follow. I am so proud of him in so many ways.

Happy Belated Birthday EJ.... with love!

What value are the words you speak? When you say you are going to do something, do you follow through and do what you say you are going to do? I have had a few instances over the past couple of months where I wanted to meet some friends for breakfast. Something from work has come up or I was not feeling well and cancelled. I know that in these instances, understanding was extended and I appreciated their flexibility. I try really hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say...but I have noticed that with some, words flow easy without any substance. "I will call you soon", "call you in a bit", "lets spend some time together", "I love you unconditionally", all without any substance, actions, or regard at all.

What does loyalty mean? What does it look like? To me, loyalty is just a bunch of bunk unless backed up with actions. Words can state good intentions but if those intentions are genuine, actions will demonstrate them.

What happens when people fabricate and lie to get what they want? What happens when lies are told in order to hurt or discredit someone? So often these come from people who do not have a conscience, who are self-centered, and caught up in their own wants and desires. If you look at a person's history if they are this type of person, there is a history of lies and actions that demonstrate a pathological history. The problem with these people is that they practice it so much, they are very good at being convincing but they would also sell your soul if it benefited them. Those you should be careful with....easy to be burned.

The worst are those claiming to be Christians yet they deceive and demonstrate actions that are no where near what a Christian's actions should be. You know who you are....

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't be sucked into some one's deception. You are then a part of the problem....and there is no where to go from there except down....

God seeking - God finding

As I have previously posted several times, I have had more God moments in Disney World then anywhere. Where else can you find multitudes of family, friends, and people genuinely wanting to just help other people?

It is my belief that when you have this magnitude of people in one place, and you are in a relaxed state of mind, you are open to "seeing" and "experiencing" the goodness in people and the wonderful gift of loving others. To just visit this extraordinary place isn't enough for me. I love to find and enhance the visits for others. My daughter has this same mentality as she has planned many a Disney visit for others so that they may experience all there is to experience without hassle. I, too, have been the "Disney planner" for my friends and co-workers. The experience is far more than just going. Every child and every adult deserves a little "magic" and "belief" in their lives. This is where believing starts for most kids...with fairytales and stories. Once the art of believing is in place, then much more important things such as God and Jesus are much easier to "grasp" and do not seem so abstract. Santa isn't a good example as that bubble gets popped and then all that belief is destroyed. Whereas, in Disney, the magic is everlasting and the transition from character to character representation is suttle and easy but the believing still remains. Why do adults still get a thrill seeing Mickey? We all know its a costume but it is what he represents that is more of a draw. Walt created a place for families to go and to enjoy each other. He did well. My family has left many echoes in those parks...one leaving his talent of drumming in a parade legacy. It is a wonderful thing to visit somewhere and close your eyes hearing your children's young voices clearly and wonderfully. It is a place where we clobbered my husband with foam clubs as the Grand Marshalls of the Disney parade. He was such a good sport as he was hit and then blasted with a C02 tank. Memories. Good friends and benchmark events fill our years there.

It is not just a vacation....it is a wonderful intermission to life where I can go and see God's family interact, laugh, and for the moments they are there, escape life's pressures.

I am setting off on a journey to help others "experience" what I experience. More to come.