Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Children turn into adults. Mothers know this is coming however, if a child and mother are friends too, this launching can sometimes be delayed. Oh it is inevitable that paths will split and take the mother and child into different directions.
This is my now!
I have had the joy of sharing life together since my marriage ended with my daughterand my grandson. What fun and adventures we have had. We have laughed, cried, argued, disagreed, and shared lifelong memories that no one can take from us.
We also have shared her little boy. I grew very dependent on those morning kisses and nighttime hugs. Seeing those precious eyes brightened each and every day I lived. The reality of not being a daily part of his life is difficult to say the least. I don't always express the foundation to a lot of my emotions. Sometimes i just try to act like a tough guy and that I can get through anything. Reality check. I am struggling.
The house that was once filled with music, the wii, has silenced to a deadening empty sound. I am sitting now and all I hear is my computer fan running. The happy seclusion of my bedroom is now everywhere. It isn't so happy. I am thinking of Christmas morning and Thanksgiving where we together used to do what we did. I am thinking of Halloween....a favorite time of year when the three of us, the Three Muskateers...would go all out to enjoy the spirit of dressing up. Our Disney trips have always been our thing. That was our special happy place. Looking at it now....its not so happy. I am and will get through all of this....
God has made me strong somewhere in here and I need to search for it and cease it. All of my life transitions are coming into view and I look at where I am and for the first time ever, I don't know where to go. It is a scary feeling.
I know that my daughter will be happy and will make a life of her own as it should be. She deserves to have a place to entertain and decorate and make a home for her son and herself and a future person too and who knows....many more little people to love. All I know is that right now....I am searching for the right things to say and how to feel and how to get up each day and the rest of the story.
That is my reality.
This is my now!
6 comments:
Dixie - you will find strength through the pain. Though you can't see it now, you will find joy on the other side that may surprise you. Keep pressing into your relationships. Cherish what is important. Don't let your pain today ruin any hopes for a strong bond with your daughter and grandson tomorrow. God will give you the grace you ask for to make it through each quiet, lonely day.
Praying for all 3 of you...
(Tim Stevens)
Dixie, I know that feeling of separation. It feels like someone has ripped your heart from your chest and replaced it with something so heavy you can't breathe. This is a new beginning. The start of a great future for both of you, but it's new. Uncertain. Scary. And, you're grieving right now. It's ok. Give yourself a little space to grieve what has been... But here's what Dr. Suess says...
Don't cry because it's over. Smile becaused it happened.
That Dr. Suess is a smart guy!
You know this is how it ultimately should be. But, it hurts because you feel left behind. Emotions get confused.
I read something a few years back I hold onto in times of difficulty as a parent; it has been one of the most helpful handles for me to regain perspective:
"...your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of God.
...they come through you but not from you.
...you may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have thoughts of their own.
...you may house their bodies but not their souls.
...for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow which you cannot visit, even in your dreams.
...You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
...For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.
...YOU ARE THE BOWS FROM WHICH YOUR CHILDREN, AS LIVING ARROWS, ARE SENT FORTH.
...God is the archer who sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
...Let your bending in the archers hand be for gladless; for even as He loves the arrow that flies; so He loves also the bow that is stable."
Isn't that powerful? Dixie, you are loved and God knows your heartache. He has great things in store for you and Lindsay and Dawson.
I am praying for all of you through this transition. Stay resovle in protecting the heart bond even though the physical bond may be changing.
Laugh, when your eyes are burning
Smile, when your heart is filled with pain
Sigh, as you brush away your sorrow
Make a vow, that's it's not going to happen again
Smile, when your spinning round and round
Sigh, as you think about tomorrow
Make a vow, that you're gonna be happy again
It's all right, in your life
No more rain
Hi Dixie. I am just an old friend who happened across your blog. I was reading several of your different postings and must say that I found them to be very insightful, thoughtful and full of wisdom. You have three amazing children and it's evident that their successes in life can easily be attributed to the time, love and energy you have given to them all of these years. I, too am a mother and it seems that I have made so many mistakes along the way not only in my own life, but with my children as well. Although not all of my children have made poor choices in life, at least one has (and continues to do so). Not a day goes by that I don't second guess where I went wrong as a mother. You have taught your children to be independent, strong and to make very good decisions in their lives and I admire you for that. How I wish we were given a second chances at parenting, but unfortunately we are not. I am writing to commend you on the awesome job you have done as a mother and to tell you that I know the sacrifices you have made in your life were not in vain. Although this IS your now, look where you have been! You are truly an amazing woman and I think the world of you even though we haven't spoken in years. God bless you as you find your new direction in life and as you adjust to a life that is much different than you have grown accustomed. Not only do you have three successful children, but you are one amazing woman yourself!
to Anonymous: I love my "old friends" Please let me know who you are.
Dixie: Read your blog and felt your pain very deeply. Actually I cried. Made me think about my daughter and her journey in life. Being a mother of an adult child is the constant pull-and-tug of I need you/I don't need you. There is never sure footing and it sometimes leaves a hole in your heart as you let go in love despite your pain. Only to get lured back in when their life circumstances change. Your daughter is a lovely, intelligent, and respected woman. You did very well, be proud. Life beyond motherhood is filled with shadows isn't it?
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