Mom

Twenty four years ago this morning...I sat with my mom, uttered the only words I could come up with, "I love you", and watched as the most wonderful woman I had ever known took her last breath on earth. Within a second, she had left me and joined Jesus. It was in the seconds that followed her death that my connection to her was felt the most. As she lay there, my deepest desire was to breathe life back into her, that "forever" was indeed an eternity. When the car came to take her away, I simply was still concerned about her feelings, well-being, and protectiveness that though gone, she would be treated as such. One of the attendants was an old school acquaintance and seeing my grief, made every attempt to treat her as though she were still with us, carefully tucking the blankets around her and not covering her face. My promise was to make sure Mom's hair looked like she wore it and not like a beauty parlor would fix it. I full filled that promise and she was beautiful. We all said our goodbyes.

Now, years later, I can see her in so much of what I do and think. I see her everyday with my daughter and I. We carried on that special relationship and speak of her often. Mom always called Linz her smiley girl...and indeed Lindsay's smile has been a blessing to many. We just talked about the little dolls that Mom kept in a special place in the bedroom so that when Lindsay came over, she would have them to play with. Lindsay's friend, Lisa, made some little dolls and we could so see little girls reinacting Lindsay's experience with hers. I look back at the distinct things my Mom influenced in my children. Ej got his love of drums because my Mom took him to Notre Dame and let him watch the drum line practices. She loved the drums and was always pointing them out to EJ, "Justin" as she called him. Lindsay, it was Mom's compassion for family and our special bond as mom and daughter and the only one to carry on her name. When I look at Jon, I see my mom. He has her special color of blue eyes, blond hair, and definite characteristics from my Mom's side of the family.

I miss her. I remember after she passed that the one thing I missed more than ever was her hugs. One night in my dreams, I was walking by a ball field and up in the empty bleachers at the top on the side was a figure of a woman. I remember being curious and climbing the multitude of bleacher seats to get a closer look. I found the figure to be my mom...silent and never saying a word but reaching out to me and hugging me tightly...and then I woke up. I know she is always with me. My older son refers to her as his angel named Dorothy (Dorothy Virginia) and attributes his safety and guidance to her.

I hope and pray that I can instill in Dawson my love for him as she did with me and my kids. I have witnessed the recent relational separation due to the divorce and I miss my kids being close though miles apart. I am fortunate to see Jon with work and of course, Lindsay and I are as close as we ever were if not closer. I don't get to see Ej and the absence of him is felt daily.

My love for my mom will be carried on by the love I have for my children. No one can take that away from me whether reciprocated or not. I own and have that love. What I feel towards others going forward is the most important kind of love.

I love you Mom and miss you. Happy Anniversary as well. I remember the December before that you wanted to live to celebrate your 44Th wedding anniversary. You left us that morning. Well done, Mom!